Life Without You
by NCISVILLE
Summary: My take on what Deeks does after he leaves Mission and how it should have ended. One shot


**This is how I see last episode ending and the dream is how I think it should have ended. I hope you enjoy this. **

Life Without You

He trudged all the way back to his car feeling dull and numb. He couldn't process the fact she was gone before they ever got a chance to really start something. After nearly five years of flirting, life or death situations, and hospital visits, a reassignment was the thing to sideline their impending relationship. He blamed himself for their lack of a relationship. If only he'd said something sooner maybe she'd still be with him. He'd waited so long and now what he wanted more than anything was at an undisclosed, need-to-know location and he didn't know if he'd ever see her again. He couldn't live without her. His life had revolved around her for years now, he breathed Kensi. She filled up every aspect of his life; mental, physical, and emotional. She was in both his professional and personal life. How could he live if the only way he knew how to live was with her? What was he supposed to do? There was no way he'd ever be able to touch or think about another woman ever again. He'd be completely absorbed by Kensi and her smile and he'd see her face as they made love and hear her voice as she said,"I'm Fern."

He turned her knife over and over again. He needed a drink. A strong one to lose himself in. He needed vodka and he needed it bad. But he also needed her. Needed a friend to talk to but she was always the one to turn to. He had no one else to turn to. No one who cared enough to stop him from drinking himself into oblivion. She wouldn't want him to do this but he didn't want to think about what she would disapprove of him doing. He just needed to stop thinking, to get drunk and forget and not feel his heart shatter into millions of pieces. He saw no reason or purpose for his life, all he saw and felt was emptiness. There was a gaping hole in his heart that a monster truck could drive through and could not be patched by anything but her.

He opted to just buy a bottle from a bar who's bar tender he knew well enough to know he'd sell him a bottle of exactly what he needed. He walked in still feeling nothing and went straight to Scott.

"Hey Mark, haven't seen you here in a while. My God, what happened to you?"

"My purpose was ripped from me. I need a bottle of the strongest vodka you have Scott."

"I don't think that's such a good idea. Plus I could lose my license."

"Please, I'm begging you. I need this. I'm in so much pain right now, please." He begged about to break into tears.

Scott sighed. "Promise me you won't drink and drive?"

"No. It's only for at home, I promise. Please Scottie. Do me this one favor." Deeks begged again.

Scott nodded and withdrew a bottle of Pincer Shanghai Strength. "It's the strongest I have and the most expensive."

"I don't care about the cost." Deeks said withdrawing two hundreds and slapping them down. "Thank you Scottie." Scott nodded as he watched Deeks walk out with the bottle.

As promised he waited until he arrived home then went straight to his room and before he could even strip off his suit he began to cry. Forgoing changing and not wanting to cry he broke open the seal and took a swig of vodka. It burned his throat like he'd never experienced. It was strong just as Scott had said and he took a longer gulp ignoring the burning sensation. He welcomed the physical discomfort because it was so much better than his emotional pain. He threw the sheathed knife onto his bed and gulped down some more vodka. He could feel it taking affect already. He'd probably drunk more than was recommended in less than a minute. Not caring at all he continued to drink every so often until the bottle became too heavy in his hand and his eyes threatened to close. He fumbled with his tie but eventually got the noose off. His shirt was removed and one sock before he got underneath the covers and cuddled himself to the other pillow where Kensi had laid not twenty four hours ago. He clutched the knife like a lifeline and breathed in her ever present scent. It was the last thing he did before collapsing in exhaustion.

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_He pressed his foot down harder against the pedal and sped through the now red light. He quickly grabbed his phone and texted her. He was less than a minute out. His heart beat wildly. His stomach was doing flips as butterflies tumbled violently. He swerved into the parking lot and jumped out quickly with keys in hand. He bolted through the door but then resigned to a quickened walk. _

_"Kensi!" He yelled seeing her begin to walk away. Her face flooded with relief and she ran to him. Deeks waited for impact and caught her in his arms. She was crying. "Whoa, hey, hey, what's wrong? Kensi?" He asked. She didn't answer, just continued crying. He looked around and saw the guys had grim looks on their faces and Granger's seemed rather angry and annoyed. He was so lost. _

_"Kensi, what's going on?" He asked. _

_"I'm being reassigned. I have to leave now. I don't know when I'll be back." _

_"What?! He can't do that!" Deeks cried outraged. "You can't leave!" _

_"Deeks, I have to. I stalled just long enough hoping you'd here in time so I can say goodbye." She said with tears._

_"No, no." He protested as tears began to fill his eyes as well. "I just got you, I can't lose you."_

_"I'm so sorry. Goodbye Deeks." She said planting a bittersweet kiss on his lips. He held her there for as long as he could before she pulled away._

_"Wait, your knife." He said taking it out._

_"Keep it safe for me until I get back?" She asked with a sniffle. Deeks nodded. "Goodbye Deeks." _

_"Goodbye Fern." He whispered through his tears as he watched her disappear with Granger. _

_"We'll drive you home." Sam said leaving no room for discussion as he wrapped his arm sympathetically around Deeks' shoulder. The poor guy looked so lifeless already. Callen followed behind them and gave Deeks a clap on the back_.

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Deeks awoke with a splitting headache and his dream vivid in his mind. He cried as he remembered his dream and wished he'd had the opportunity to say goodbye and get one last kiss. Day one of a living hell without Kensi. He reached for his phone laying on his nightstand and despite the pain the light from his phone gave him, squinted his eye to read ten missed calls and seventeen new text messages. He noticed how his phone clock read 1:21pm, but he didn't care and set it back down and took a drink of the vodka sitting on the table. He closed his eyes and tried to will himself into an alternate realm where Kensi was there beside him because as far as he was concerned, life without Kensi was pretty dull and sucked.

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The End

**so what did you all think**?** Review please!**


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